Biscuitology 101

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

--Dr. Seuss


I believe that anyone can be a good cook. It's all about the "want to" and the patience to try again. So if you want to make biscuits, don't hang up! Complete directions for my "world famous"(don't forget there is more than one world to consider--and this is one of the smaller ones) recipe are herein recorded. Please do not tamper with these instructions , as in using less fat or no butter, because the moment you do I cannot be responsible for the mutiny and carnage you will deservedly face. However, if you will steadfastly refuse to compromise, I will guarantee complete satisfaction. You must set aside all guilt , forget all the so called healthy rules, and go for it!

My advice (and I think it's good) is to always read the ENTIRE recipe before you get started.


Buy a good brand of self-rising flour, like Martha White or White Lily. In this instance, the store brand is not good enough. Believe me, I use store products when I can, but this is not one of those times. Be sure to get self-rising, the baking powder and salt are in the flour. Crisco shortening is the only one to use, and finally, my only concession to low fat is the buttermilk. Whole buttermilk seems to make the biscuits a little sour, and so I use low fat buttermilk.

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. I don't measure the ingredients, and as you get comfortable with the process, you will be able to make more or less batter as you wish. I made these today so I could tell you how much to use, so start off with 3 level cups of flour and three spoons of Crisco,each about the size of a large egg. Using a pastry blender, cut the shortening into the flour until it looks about like coarse cornmeal. Measure 2 cups of buttermilk(be sure to shake the buttermilk because it separates in the carton). You may need a little more or less of the buttermilk, depending on the brand you buy. Some are thicker. Do not add it all at once, try one cup, then a little more until you can stir the dough smooth and there are no dry spots in it. Sometimes you might get the dough a little too wet, don't worry, you can work a little more flour into it later. Dump the dough out on a piece of waxed paper with about a cup of flour on it. The goal is to handle the dough as little as possible. With floured hands, try to turn the dough over once. If you can't pick it up because it is too wet, turn it a few times, adding a little of the flour each time. You can gently pat it to the thickness you prefer. Using a cutter of your choice, cut out biscuits and place in pan. If you can't pick them up, they are too wet from buttermilk. Fold in a little more flour. Turn the dough over and pat it again. Now is when you get to see the product of my second field of expertise, Photography. Our next posting will be a tutorial to help you navigate the internet. But I digress; your efforts should resemble this picture. If you have something that does not even remotely pass as dough, I will have to revisit my opening remarks.
You must carefully choose your pan. Black iron skillets work very well. Other than this, do not use dull pans, as they will burn the biscuits. Ordinary cake pans are great, and this 9x12 pan is my favorite. It once was shiny , so any shiny pan will do. DO NOT use a non-stick pan. Your biscuits will burn! If you want crispy bottoms on your biscuits, you must generously grease your pan with Crisco! I can cut about a dozen biscuits from this amount of dough, but that will vary with the size of your cutter. Melt about 1/4 stick of butter, and using a spoon, smooth it over each biscuit. The tops should be wet with no dry flour on top.

Bake the biscuits for about 20 minutes, then check to see if they are brown on the bottom (by gently lifting the edge of one with a spatula). Now turn on the broiler and do not walk away from the stove. Watch carefully and when they are as brown as you want them to be, take them out, turn the oven off and take them up . If they are in a round pan, you can turn them over on a plate, if not, be sure to turn each one over with a spatula, as they will get soggy if left too long on their bottoms. hmmm.
Please keep your responses, comments, threats and murmurings to a minimum. I can't take rejection or ejection.

I hope we can at least be friends after this.